Date of publication: 2017-09-03 09:54
My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there&rsquo s hardly any difference. - Harry S. Truman
I belong to Bridgegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast. - Dick Martin
If a third of all the novelists and maybe two thirds of all the poets now writing dropped dead suddenly, the loss to literature would not be great. - Charles Osborne
The great man does not think beforehand of his words that they may be sincere, nor of his actions that they may be resolute, he simply speaks and does what is right. - Mencius, Chinese philosopher
A professor at the University of Wisconsin says he&rsquo s found a way to take the bitterness out of cheddar cheese. Now, if he can only find a way to remove the arrogance from Wheat Thins. - Tina Fey
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could some blunders and absurdities have crept in forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
You can tell a lot about someone&rsquo s personality by how he orders coffee, &ldquo Decaf please, skim milk, no sugar.&rdquo That&rsquo s the kind of guy who goes through the car wash wearing a seat belt. - Margot Black
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, &ldquo Doc, I keep thinking I&rsquo m a dog.&rdquo He told me to get off his couch. - Rodney Dangerfield
I failed my driver&rsquo s test. The guy asked me, &ldquo What do you do at a red light? I said, &ldquo I don&rsquo t know. Look around, listen to the radio? - Bill Braudis
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I&rsquo ve got a doctor&rsquo s appointment on Monday. I&rsquo m not sick or anything. It&rsquo s just that I lost some weight, and I want someone to see me naked.
- Tracy Smith
I saw a personal ad that looked interesting. It said she loved long walks, running on the beach, going to parks. As it turns out, she was a German shepherd. - David Corrado